Women are giving up on marriage, going 'wheee, just me!' I've got some thoughts.

Suggested edits for the Wall Street Journal

On a recent Saturday morning, I was sipping coffee on my front porch, opening a card I’d found in my mailbox when something fluttered out: a tangible clipping from an actual newspaper.

And yet it wasn’t a surprise. A friend who gets her neighhor’s used copies of the Wall Street Journal thoughtfully sends me items she thinks will be of interest. (And while yes she represents an older generation, no she is not actually my mom.) From just a quick glimpse of the headline, I could see this one was spot on with this one:

I also wasn’t too surprised because there’s a lot “out there” right now, coming not just in vetted journalism but from everyday women on TikTok and elsewhere who have created a movement: “de-centering” men.

And just like any time I encounter those pieces, this article filled me with that same specific mixture of

“depressing AF, yet so deeply validating.”

Thanks to the very real—the now data-proven fact—that women are not only struggling to find an appropriate partner, but doing so for very real reasons—reasons that might, just might not be ALL BECAUSE OF THEM? (audience gasps)

So wait you mean it might not be because we’re “too picky”?

It might not be because we’re not joining enough clubs?

Not volunteering enough in organizations where men of similarly altruistic character might be present?

Not getting out there enough at church ice cream socials and sock hops?

Not paying for the ultra-extra-gold-double-premium version of the right app?

YOU MEAN MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON????

Huh.

Here’s the subhead of the article from the WSJ:

‘Major demographic shifts have put men and women on divergent paths. That’s left more women resigned to being single. The numbers aren’t netting out.’

Ahhh major demographic shifts, you say?

Disparity between educational levels? And other major factors the interviewees and the data revealed, such as:

• Expectations that the woman should, by default, do all the housework, and/or give up her career?

• Potential threats posed by lack of access to abortion/health care?

• Prevalence of men who [author winces in recognition] lie about even being single in the first damn place?

For Christina Ralston, a 31-year-old wildland firefighter in rural Republic, Wash., who didn’t go to college, buying a house was confirmation she didn’t need a partner to be content. She paid $90,000 for a two-bedroom on half an acre of land in 2022.

“I have it paid off in the next two years, so I don’t feel like I need to be tied to somebody,” Ralstin said.

After her last relationship ended in 2023—when she discovered he was still on Tinder—she doubted she would find someone else who aligned with her progressive views in her conservative town. So she stopped looking. “If I need companionship, I volunteer at the dog shelter.”

(But surely one of these days when she’s at the shelter, she’ll have her meet-cute with a hunky single guy who’s there to volunteer, too—right?)

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Btw, back to that word in the subhead, ‘resigned’:

‘…. more women resigned to being single.’

I couldn’t help but notice that the driver below (in the lead image from the online version of the [paywalled] article) appears to be joining in glee with the bride on the front page version sliding down the chute from the top of the wedding cake.

I don’t know about you, but when I finally decide to give up on something—especially if I’ve lived my entire existence believing I could not be whole, or fully worthy, without it—the first thing I do is jump in my (pink) car, hit the gas, and pump my fist! (Only after adding the cans and the wreath, of course!)

Now, to be fair to the graphic designers, maybe it’s a legitimate challenge to come up with clever or cute ways to depict resignation.

Allow me to offer my services as a freelance consultant:

• Woman examining credit card statement, highlighter in hand, to catch the extra charges incurred on each dating app subscription, for which she’s already paying a monthly fee (despite needing a second job to comfortably cover the rent)

• Woman sitting at slot machine, where the icons line up not as “cherry, cherry, cherry” or “7, 7, 7, but “TURD, TURD, TURD”

(What do you think? Direct all compensation to my PayPal.)

Also giving up on: reduxes?

While I related deeply to the demographic and domestic issues covered in the article, don’t let me make it sound like I’m a late-forties maiden still waiting on a ring.

I never thought I’d end up divorced. I often say that if I’d have thought we could ever end in divorce, I wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.

And yet, eight years post-divorce, it’s also absolutely incredible for me to consider that I truly thought I’d be with him ‘til death! (“Are you NUTS, Former Self?!” I want to yell. “Wake up and smell the selfish man-baby red flags blowing so hard in the wind they’re whipping you in the face, girl!” (Or I guess the saying is actually about smelling coffee? but whatever).

In the ensuing journey from beginning-of-the-end, to actual paperwork signed, to where I am today—a journey of re-inventing myself, of rewriting my life and sense of self—I’ve thought a lot about what went wrong and what I’d do differently. And slowly, over time, I decided that even if I should have the incredible good luck of meeting a wonderful soul,

a person of great character,

—and one who also happens to be not actually married or partnered, and/or sleeping with someone else—

and also is not a perv or a misogynist,

and does not say or do cold-hearted, cruel things to his family of origin (or anyone else)

and SO many more DOES NOTs,

…I would still never sign a legal document tethering myself to that individual.

(And I say this as someone who, divorce-wise, emerged relatively unscathed!)

But what’s so hilarious is that I’ve spent any time or mental energy thinking about such decision at all!, when, over the course of more than half a decade, the majority of dating-app “conversations” I’ve had with men have opened with a monosyllabic “hey” —or, worse, with this:

“ u a sub? I’m a dom. In dsm area, hmu”

(Translation: “Hello, please allow me to introduce myself. I am a Des Moines-area resident who engages in BDSM, and have commenced a search for someone who prefers to play the submissive, rather than dominant, role. Despite your squeaky clean profile mentioning a desire to simply meet a like-minded person for coffee and slowly get to know each other, perchance you are interested and available? If so, please contact me.”)

Suggested edits: please return to copy editor

I appreciate the reporting in this article, and that the demographic shift is even being given consideration as a newsworthy topic.

Still, in addition to questioning the graphics, I find myself wanting to edit the headline, or suggest an entirely different angle:

‘American women are WAKING UP TO THE PATRIARCHY.’

(There, WSJ, I fixed it for ya!)

Isn’t it possible that we unmarried women might not just be giving up because we can’t find a suitable partner (or even close), but because we’re questioning the value of marriage (to a man) at all?

Especially after November 2024, when it became clear that misogyny not only still exists in our culture, but a safe bet on which to win an election—one to double, triple, quadruple down on, in fact, after it worked the first time?

“Researchers have documented a stunning rise in misogynistic rhetoric and attacks after the election,” is the opening of one article. (See the words “4,600 percent increase” in that link—fun stuff!)

So yeah, not imagined!

Plus,

…we know that the biggest predictor of support for political violence right now or of willingness to engage in it, or among the top three predictors, depending on the survey, is misogyny or hostile sexism. So beliefs in a hierarchy of superiority, beliefs in the inferiority of women drive support for political violence.

U up, Canada?

It’s enough to make me want to jump in my pink car and flee.

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Did ya notice? NO PAYWALL! But I don’t turn my nose up at donations, likes, or shares!

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I’m proud to be a member of the Iowa Writers’ Collaborative. See our impressive roster of writers and check out a recent issue here.

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